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Now everyone has agreed that Britain leaving the EU is going to go horribly, all that's left is to argue over whose fault it will be when the nation tumbles off a cliff edge into the dust of irrelevance. Runners include: David Cameron (the absolute plum who thought calling the referendum would be a fool-proof wheeze for uniting his Europe-torn party and shoring up his own position), Theresa May (the absolute plum who thinks Brexit can be left in the safe hands of David Davis and Boris Johnson), and David Davis and Boris Johnson (the absolute plums who are David Davis and Boris Johnson). The problem is, no one serious believed it would happen so no one serious made a plan, leaving the driving seat free for the transcendently unserious Brexiters, who also don't have a plan but do not seem to care. Like a badly planned stag do in Prague, their entire itinerary consisted of 1) down Article 50 immediately, 2) aggravate some foreigners. And now we're all hungover, running out of cash, universally hated and with no idea how to get anywhere. GOOD ONE, LADS. GREAT BANTS. TOP GAME.
This is why I'm taking things into my own hands. I am doing the patriotic thing, and knowing that Britain needs at least an extra 400 negotiators to make this work, I am learning German. Keine Panik! Ich habe das! It might seem a tall order to go from scratchy long-forgotten GCSE standard to diplomatic fluency inside the 18 months of treaty-wrangling time we've got left (18 months oh my good Christ what are we doing) but I have a secret weapon, and my secret weapon is a small green owl called Duo who lives in my phone, in an app called Duolingo.
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